Heaven or Hell
by its-actually-kate
Summary: When Lucy ends up un the hospital having just skated past deaths door, Natsu contemplates losing her forever both in this life and the next. Previously posted on and now removed from Tumblr.


Heaven or Hell

The steady beeping sound of the heart monitor and dripping of IV fluids, the only sound being made in the cold and sterile hospital room. A man sits next to his comatose wife waiting for her to awaken from a slumber that nearly lasted eternity. The man sits waiting for a sign that she will awaken, expression haunted by the fear of lose and never seeing his wife healthy and smiling again.

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Team Natsu had taken a simple mission to remove a group of dark mages that made their base in a peaceful mountainous village an hour from magnolia. The dark mages were incredibly easy to beat, leaving Natsu and Gray incredibly bored. Once every dark mage was gathered the team began discussing the mission with the village mayor which unfortunately pulled their attentions away from the mages they had just defeated.

While their backs were turned one dark mage took the opportunity to take a cheap shot on the closest Fairy Tail mage to him with his strongest spell, a spell that generates a laser beam coated with fast acting poison. The person he hit was the light of their group, laughing at the antics of the group Lucy like her friends around her was completely unaware of the movement behind her.

When she was hit everyone around her was caught off guard. Gray and Erza reacting quickly to subdue the mage while Wendy and Natsu rushed to Lucy's side all before Lucy herself could truly register the agony that she was feeling. As Natsu laid his hands on her arms, the pain hit, and she crumbled to her knees, clutching her stomach as her wound began to bleed and burn from the poison. Natsu laid her on the ground taking his jacket off to use as a tourniquet and pulling her shirt away from the gaping hole that was clear on her abdomen.

Lucy released a frail breath she only just realized she was holding when she began to feel numb. She could hear Natsu's cries for Wendy, hoping the small healer could provide emotional relief, only to panic more when Wendy stated her healing wasn't working for some reason. Wendy kept checking her system until she realized there was poison in her system that was resisting her magic and preventing her from at least stopping the bleeding.

As Wendy relayed her discovery to the rest of the group Natsu was just trying to keep Lucy awake. His sensitive ears could hear her labored breathing as well as the pace of her heart slowing down. Lucy's had all but faded and she felt completely numb and cold. All she wanted was to tell Natsu that she loved him again, for fear that this would be the end for her but before she could she was unconscious to the world around her.

Natsu shouted in panic, noticing that Lucy was now completely unresponsive. Wendy pulled his attention away from Lucy for just a moment to convey their plan, since Happy and Carla were with the group, Natsu would hold Lucy as Happy carried them to Magnolia where the closest hospital was while Wendy and Carla would follow in tandem. Wendy knew she couldn't stop the bleeding without the advanced poison being removed but she could make sure the unconscious celestial mage's internal organ didn't begin to shut down until she could receive proper care.

Natsu was up before Wendy could even finish speaking, taking the bleeding woman into his arms. A protective instinct forcing him to move even though he was emotionally drained by the whole situation. Natsu could feel Lucy fading and that was something he couldn't let happen. "Let's go Wendy!" Natsu exclaimed, voice cracking half way through in an attempt to hold off the tears he knew he'd shed later.

The trip home was a blur, the four conscious people constantly readjusted their positions and pace to care for Lucy while still heading back to Magnolia. There was no faster way to get back considering the mountainous area was too secluded to build proper roads but despite that the group made it back in record time, arriving at the hospital after forty minutes.

The four rushed in and immediately there were doctors rushing for Lucy. All the doctors attempted to ask Natsu questions but quickly realized he was in no state to answer and turned to Wendy who was still monitoring Lucy and healing what she could. Wendy quickly explained the situation, making sure the doctors understood there was a poison involved that was preventing her from healing the wound. After the doctors understood the situation, they carefully coerced Lucy from Natsu's arms and took her back for emergency treatment.

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It has been four days since the group of four entered the hospital with Lucy, who was sitting on death's door. It has been three days since the doctors returned from surgery saying she was stable but not quite out of the woods. It has been two days since the doctors told Natsu they don't know when or if his wife and life mate would wake up, telling him that the poison used was highly advanced and appeared to occasionally cause neurological damage that could keep her from waking up. It has been one day since the doctors told Natsu she was improving. It has been three days since Natsu was able to do anything other than stare at Lucy with a haunted look in his eyes, not even able to shed the tears he knows need to fall. Natsu has been waiting by Lucy's bed through all of it.

Many guild members have tried to talk to Natsu. They've tried to ask him if he was okay, make him smile, or even get him to eat and all he could muster was the energy enough to drink so he wouldn't die from dehydration. Everyone could see he was lost and everyone knew there was only one way to help him now and that was wait for Lucy to wake up.

On that fourth day since arriving in the hospital, Natsu had been sitting where he had been since Lucy returned from surgery, pale and cold, he was finally feeling the exhaustion catching up with him, but he was too afraid to close his eyes and miss something important. However, on that fourth day he felt something that gave him hope. He had been holding her hand the entire time he was waiting so when her hand lightly squeezed his, his eyes darted from where he was staring at the screens that were reading Lucy's heart beat and blood pressure, to her hand and then to her eyes which were closed but shifting under her eyelids.

Natsu darted up, chair flying across the room, and bent over the woman, still never releasing her small hand. His heart was pumping so fast in hopeful anticipation that he swears he'd have a heart attack and when Lucy's eye opened and looked around the hospital room in scared confusion for a moment before locking onto Natsu, Natsu was sure that is exactly what was happening. They stared at each other in a hopeful and comfortable silence for a minute until Lucy breaks the silence, "Hey there dragon. You look terrible." Despite the scratchiness of her unused voice you could still hear the happy teasing and in that moment, relief settle upon Natsu.

The tears Natsu had been unable to shed since the initial shot was taken finally fell in endless droves. He carefully pulled Lucy into an endearing hug, Lucy's heart breaking just a little from the number of broken cries and uncontrollable shaking from her hot headed and usually carefree husband. She knew then how bad her injuries truly were and how close she truly came to death for her husband to be as broken as he was but at the same time, she could tell there was something more.

With the little energy as she had she pulled back from Natsu and place her hand gently on his cheek, relishing in the warmth he provided her cold hand, and wiped at the stream of tears that appeared to have no end. "Talk to me Natsu. I know you need to." She stared at him with careful determination, knowing that despite him being a man of action, he'd still need to talk about what was tearing through his mind.

Natsu's breath was caught in his throat. For once in his life he knew exactly what he wanted to say but the thought of voicing something so dark, something he had concealed away into the depths of his mind, terrified him. He was once again shaking, he wanted to break down and say exactly what he was thinking but some part of his mind was resisting for fear that voicing his fears would somehow make them come true.

Natsu felt himself being pulled down until he was being kissed, something that he relished in as a brief distraction from the thoughts in his head. When that kiss was over, he sat back up and stared into the soft and sweet chocolate brown eyes of the woman he loved, knowing she would never judge him for his fears. "Together," Lucy stated calmly, waiting for her husband to reply to the single word.

"Forever," he whispered quietly but still load enough for Lucy to hear. It was something they started doing after the war with Alveraz, in stressful, scary, or emotional situations one person would start with 'together' and the other person, even if they were screaming at the top of their lungs, would have to stop and say 'forever'. This routine meant the person saying forever needed to take a deep breath while also reminding each other that no matter what each of them was there for the other.

Natsu took a deep breath, another solid stream of tears began to fall down his cheeks as he began speaking his mind. "I almost lost you and if I lost you, I'd never get to see you again," his voice breaking as he finished his statement. There was more but he needed her help to continue, he needed her to prod and pick at his thoughts, he needed it in his soul.

"What else? I know its more than just me dying. We've talked about that before, you wouldn't hesitate if that was all Natsu?" She said it as slow and softly as she could, knowing that even Natsu would seize if pushed to hard in a situation like this.

"It's what happens after that terrifies me Luce," Natsu's head falling into his hands. They were going to have to discuss the side of himself that he never wanted, the part of him that scared even him. "I'm END Lucy. I'm a demon and you, you're an angel. My soul is dirtied and grotesque. Yours is pure and beautiful. When you die, I'll never be able to see you again not in just this life but the next." The tears caught up with him momentarily and he paused to gasp and cry before he could continue.

He noticed she had slipped her hand into his hair, a gesture they both realized relaxed and reassured him after traveling in a train long ago. "When you die you will go to heaven Luce, but heaven will never except a demon past its gate." There was a moment of tense silence, Natsu's inexplicable fear that Lucy agreed with his irrational fear beating to the surface when he felt her hand still in his hair, until her hand slipped down his face to his chin where she pulled his face out of his hands so his eyes would meet hers. The saddened yet understanding look crushing those fears the moment their eyes met.

"Natsu listen to me when I say this. You are not evil. You didn't choose to the be made into a demon. You didn't choose to be made into a weapon. You were born human and as long as you Natsu, my precious dragon, have been conscious of the actions you're committing you have fought to snuff out evil and protect the good of the world. If heaven and hell is what comes after, then you would easily make it to heaven. Being made into something you never wanted to be doesn't mean you deserve punishment."

Natsu was stunned by her words. She always knew just what to say no matter the situation but even still there was doubt left in his heart. She could clearly see this and before he had a chance to form an argument based on fear, she knew she had to continue speaking. "If you are bound for hell Natsu for something you had no control over, something that has made the man I love hate a part of himself over, then I'm bound to follow you just as well. I tampered with your book Natsu. I made sure that the supposedly evil book of END as well as the embodiment of the demon did not disappear when Zeref died. Not to mention I, a supposed angel in your eyes has fallen in love with you, every part of you even END."

With that Lucy could tell that she had effectively snuffed out the fear to being separated in the afterlife. Natsu's tears had ceased while Lucy was passionately defending the righteousness of his soul. He'd always known that these thoughts were nothing more than irrational fears but hearing them snuffed out by the light of his life certainly helped.

He leaned in for another soft kiss, reassuring her that he was okay now. Something Lucy had said had caught his attention when discussing the possibilities of being headed for heaven or hell and that was the word 'if'. "What did you mean by 'if heaven and hell is what comes after' Luce?"

Lucy laid back in the bed, the tension in her abdomen from where her injury was still healing, making her sitting position too difficult to maintain. The glanced up at the ceiling for a moment, taking a quick deep breath before looking back to where Natsu waited patiently for an answer to his question. "Did you know that celestial spirit mages are taught that heaven and hell are not what come after death?" She waited for Natsu to shake his head telling her no before she continued. "Instead what comes after death is rebirth. When people die their soul is released into the heavens also known as the spirit world where the souls become stars, living the life of the star before they are reborn into another life."

Natsu just smiled at the woman, thinking to himself 'of course she'd think of something like that'. "That sounds beautiful Luce but what does your afterlife say about loved ones? If that is what comes after does that mean we'd be separated?"

"No," Lucy started out simply. "Celestial mages are taught that those close to you will follow you into the next life so when your reborn you will always find a natural friend. What's even more special though is I was taught to believe when you have an especially strong bond with your lover in your current life, in death the soul with become peacefully one as a star until being reborn. The belief in reincarnation is strong so even if these bodies die Natsu, I believe that one day I'd get to hold you again even if it wasn't with these arms exactly."

"I think I like your version of the afterlife more Luce," Natsu said with an amused chuckle that made Lucy smile in relief.

"No matter what comes after Natsu we will always be together," she stated reaching for Natsu's face.

"Forever," was all he said as they once again leaned into each other for a kiss, this one lasting far longer than the ones that they had shared since Lucy woke up. Suddenly both of their stomachs made a growling noise alerting them both to how hungry they were after not eating for several days. They called for a nurse and when she arrived Natsu told Lucy he'd go get them some food, squeezing her hand before leaving.

As Natsu left the room he ran into the rest of team Natsu who looked both surprised and hopeful to be seeing him up and moving. They asked if Lucy was awake to which he confirmed before apologizing for his distance the last few days. He told the group he was going to get food and that he'd be back in no time. Before Natsu walked away though Gray, noticing a lightness to Natsu that he hadn't noticed since before Tartaros, asked him how he was really feeling. Natsu gave frenemy a reassuring look before turning around to walk away only one word leaving his mouth, "heavenly."


End file.
